Sporting Stuff

Hey there sport!

How about me introducing a new sport today? It starts in the countryside, early in the morning. Mist rises from the wooded area and spreads out into the open fields. The breath from the horses gathered around resembles the smoky exhale of Keith Richards. The horses are awake, more alert than their riders, more in tune with the anticipation that the hounds emit. The hounds are restless. The riders voices are rough, an octave lower than usual. They wear tweed.

The shrill sound of the horn pierces a few slight hangovers and they are off, foxhunting.Sort of.

Fox hunting is an old sport. But here the riders instead of carrying guns, carry cans of red paint. Instead of killing the fox, they throw a can of red paint on it. It's fun saving the animals. Nobody is going to kill the fox covered in red paint. We're saving the foxes. Going on the fox hunt with the horses and dogs and tweed. AND we get to do the most fun thing in the whole world, throw cans of red paint on fur. Why should those PETA activists have all the fun? This sport rocks!

Who's with me? I feel like going right now.

I dropped the puck at the Florida Panthers game last Friday. I am a hockey fan, kind of, as much as one can be having never lived in a state that gets colder than 34 degrees. Since I don't really have a thick jacket I wore all twelve of my windbreakers walking out on the ice to drop the puck.

Then the next few days I went surfing. A truant tropical storm, Noel, blew in some big waves. Rough conditions and a lot of paddling allowed me to call the session "aerobic".

So, if you remember the Aqua Note that started out with "I'm Gary, and I'm going to kick your ass?" You'll perhaps enjoy this email that I got shortly after:

   Dear Gary,
      Hi, I'm ------ ------- and I am going to offer you an opportunity to be a real man. I invite       you to come to my farm, join me in some hog slaughtering, butchering and sausage       grinding events. I can nail a 500 pounder in the head and be washing up 45 minutes later       after getting it hauled out of the acre pen, hoisted, skinned, gutted, quartered, deboned,       iced and in the cooler. This is both a cardiovascular as well as a muscular event. Think       your up to the challenge? Do you have the nose and stomach for it? Are you strong       enough, smart enough, and careful enough not to cut yourself while performing these       backyard chores? Are you man enough to slaughter and grind up your own meat? Come,       show me. This is just a warm up to swimming a 4000 SC yard workout. Show me what       you're made of, come join me for a weekend of farming and swimming. I will make a man       out of you, or not. ------

Wow. I'm curious. Now if you read beyond the first sentence of that Aqua Note I went on to say, "Not literally. Should you choose to step up on the starting block next to me you're going to lose. That's all I'm saying." So, I really didn't intend to call into question the manliness of a pig farmer.

When doing the public speaking tour I often talk about the opportunities that come my way because I was able to swim fast at the Olympic games. Meet royalty. Travel the world. And this.

I probably don't have the nose for it. Pigs stink, even when they aren't being quartered. I think I would probably throw up and I don't have a weak stomach. Am I smart enough? I don't know, but I probably would lob off about three fingers trying to slaughter, hoist, skin, gut, quarter, butcher, de-bone, sausage grind, and ice a 500 pounder if I didn't kill myself nailing it in the head. It's not a backyard chore for anyone that doesn't have a 500 pounder in the back yard. And I don't.

It's tempting. The Race Club is known for it's unconventional cross training. This could be the extra step that is needed to achieve optimum performance at the Olympic games. We don't know until we try. If it works you can expect an instructional DVD out soon in our merchandise link.

It's important for me to point out again that I never intended to insult the work ethic or manliness of anyone with the strongly worded introduction of my last Aqua Note. All I was saying is that I am a faster swimmer than you, or anyone else you know.

At the very least I am going to check into flights. I've never seen a 500 pounder let alone thought about doing those things to one. I think I might take up this invitation. It's every man's desire to be a "real man". I don't expect to be able to do what I've been invited to do, but I would like to see it done, and maybe learn something in the process. Then we can swim 4000 SCY. I'm up for that, and will probably need it to wash off the blood. At the very least I will be able to say that I've dabbled in hog slaughtering at my next cocktail reception with royalty.

Adventure, here I come.

Gary Hall Jr.
for the most part is an idiot. Nothing he says should be taken seriously. If you want to contact him directly about hog slaughtering, fox hunting, PETA, or swimming he can be reached at info@theraceclub.net

Oh. I contacted PETA about my idea to save the foxes and was told that the hounds kill the fox in a fox hunt. So I proposed that we have all of their jaws wired shut.

Peace!